Two Splashdowns at Blizzard Beach

By: Kevin  Quigley

It seemed odd that, after having been to Disney World seventeen times in five years, I hadn’t yet been to a Disney water park.  Of course, River Country was legendary, spoken of in those hushed tones normally reserved for Horizons and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and, like, Roanoke, Virginia, where a whole colony of settlers just disappeared in the 1580s.  Stories about River Country always followed the same beats: “It was the best thing that ever happened to Disney World,” people would murmur in dark rooms, behind giant mugs of Dole Whip, “a water park that didn’t feel like a water park.  It was part of the Fort Wilderness Resort and it just looked like this natural extension of it, not manmade at all.  The slides were amazing.  Bay Cove was amazing.  Everything about it was amazing, is the point.”  Then there’s a pause, after which the story concludes, “Now the area is used as a location shoot for horror movies.”  Then cackling and general unease.  Look for The River Country Chainsaw Massacre, coming to theatres next summer! 

            Still, I was intrigued by the current complement of Disney water parks, Typhoon Lagoon (opened in 1989) and Blizzard Beach, (which opened six years later in 1995).  Created during the Eisner years, both parks are rife with story and background.  Weirdly, both parks’ legends revolve around bizarre and potentially fatal weather conditions – Blizzard Beach having ostensibly been created during a freak Floridian blizzard, and Typhoon Lagoon was the result of a havoc-inducting typhoon.  I guess the standard attraction adage – “Everything’s nice and friendly until something goes terribly wrong” – works best at the front of the story when you’re creating an entire theme park. 

            My motto when going to Walt Disney World is to always try something new, so when my friend Kristen told me this past July that she was going to both water parks and then blog about the experience, I jumped at the chance to accompany her.  Unfortunately, due to timing, I could only join her and my other friends for one park or the other. It was never a real question as to which one I’d choose.  The water park with the ski lift always wins.  Blizzard Beach it was!

            In July, when the temperatures pushed past triple digits daily and every theme park was Animal Kingdom Hot, Blizzard Beach was crowded beyond reason.  Tour groups from tropical places were escaping their winter in our summer, roving the park in bands of twenty or thirty.  The median age of these groups was fourteen, too, and while I have nothing against teenagers in general, I was fourteen not too long ago (22 years, wow) and I remember a thing or two about pushing the boundaries of free expression when left unsupervised with my friends.  (Only having caught up to Disney in my late 20s, my experiences in this arena were left mainly to Star Trek conventions, because I’m a nerd of all trades.)  There was some issue securing the cabana (aka the “Polar Patio,” and OMG I LOVE DISNEY LINGO) our friend Lee had set up the day before, and as there were seven of us, getting the lockers all set up and our patio laid out took a little time.  Unfortunately, as anyone familiar with theme park touring knows, “a little time” in the morning equals “a lot of lines” later in the day. 

             I love water parks, but more than anything I hate those rickety-feeling scaffolding structures you have to climb up and look down and contemplate your fragility in an uncaring universe. To combat the absolute worst part of any waterpark, Disney does one of those things Disney does best: they built a mountain.  Mount Gushmore is the main feature of Blizzard Beach, and it’s home to most of the park’s best waterslides … which, in this context, are less waterslides and more mountain sluiceways.  It’s so simple – take away the bad parts of waterparks so people can focus on the good parts – but it’s brilliant.  Plus?  I may have mentioned this, but there’s a ski lift that takes you from high ground to low ground.  A ski lift!  How cool is that?  You get off the ski lift and you’re on solid ground.

            Of course, at the top of the mountain, you could always look up and see one of those tall, rickety-looking scaffolding structures and realize, oh wait, the top of the mountain isn’t the top of everything.  Way up there is a waterslide called Hey! You Want Your Shorts to Ride Up While Simultaneously Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes and You Attempt To Remember Every Prayer Ever.  No, wait, it’s called Summit Plummet, and it’s 120 feet tall and you travel down it at roughly the same speeds as Test Track zooms around the loop.  In other words: it is one of the fastest attractions at Walt Disney World … and you’re doing it in your swimwear.  Did I cave into peer pressure?  Did I stand at the teetering top of the entire world and stare down at impending splatterdeath?  Did I realize that wearing glasses and Crocs on Summit Plummet was a very dumb idea because I was going to have to grasp everything in my terrified paws as I slammed, screaming, toward the ground?  (Hint: the answer is this was a mistake.)

            My rationale was that doing it once meant I never, ever, ever had to do it again.  Ever.  Seriously, never.  I still haven’t been to Typhoon Lagoon.  I’d like to avoid succumbing to waterslide-induced shock and paralysis before I can. 

            From there, we toured the park as best as we could, but those external factors – July, tour groups, getting a slightly late start – worked against us, even with a Touring Plan on our side.  Lines stretched over thirty minutes on some attractions, including a side-by-side competitive slide called Downhill Double Dipper.  The wait was made hilarious, then interminable, then back to hilarious by the prerecorded safety announcement that blasted off every twenty seconds, always announcing itself with the insidiously perky, “HEY Double Dippers!” 

            We finished off the day with two trips down … look, it’s called Teamboat Springs, but I only know that because I just looked it up.  I have no idea why this is a block in my brain.  “Tugboat Willie?”  No, Kevin.  “Steamboat Slopes?”  No, Kevin.  “Boatslip Harbor?”  Are you serious?

            Steamtrain Slipslide is amazing, probably the best ride in the park.  Six people fit in a circular raft, bringing to mind the structure of Grizzly River Rapids or Kali River Rapids.  Then it surges down the slide, taking turns at a suicidal pace, sloshing your entire raft up the sides before righting itself down the straightaway.  You can’t help but scream and laugh all the way down.  My buddy Joe, who had begged off most of the slides that day, took his tour with us and I was super happy to have him there.

            That last spin down Tourboat Circletron came back to me as I stood at the top of the slide in early October.  The differences between my July trip and this one were astonishing.  We arrived at park open and didn’t get a cabana this time – our time was limited, and we could only stay a couple hours – but the park was empty.  This time, my friends Paul and Marty were with me, and ecstatic.  So was I.  No tour groups, and the weather was so mild and pleasant I was initially afraid that it would be too cold for waterslides.  The second we climbed onto the Downhill Double Dipper (no wait!  at all!), we discovered this was indeed not the case.  The water at Blizzard Beach, I discovered, is heated to 80 degrees – refreshing on oppressively humid days like in July, but delightfully unchilly at the start of October. 

             We raced through the rides, studiously avoiding the Summit Plummet and its implied malice.  It’s kind of funny that the Slush Gusher, which is only thirty feet shorter and includes a couple bumps that give you actual airtime, seems much safer and less horrifying.  We got on mats for Snow Stormers and Toboggan Racers, where you slalom down the water-slopes on your belly.  In July, seven of us challenged each other down Toboggan Racers at once; now, that number had been reduced to five, but given the park’s emptiness, no one else was competing with us.  Which was good, because we loathe strangers and encroachment!  October for the win!

            We even got a chance to head to the back of the park, where Runoff Rapids is.  While it’s not a bad ride, Runoff Rapids is the closest to the standard waterslide experience.  You get in an inner tube and ride down one of four basic waterslides – two open, two covered.  They’re long slides, and have the appropriate number of twists and turns, but after the immersion in the innovation and theming at the front of the park, it just doesn’t compare.  We finished our day as we had last time, with a relaxing trip around Cross Country Creek, a slow-moving river that circumnavigates the whole park (we missed the wave pool, Meltaway Bay, once again; that’s why there’s always a next time).  After the thrills of the day – which may include a race down the terror machine known as Summit Plummet – you can’t ask for a better end to a day at Blizzard Beach.

            Well … wait.  Yes.  Because for whatever reason, Blizzard Beach sells mini doughnuts.  Why?  I don’t know why.  And don’t question perfection.  You can get a half-dozen … but seriously, why would you?  You can get a dozen mini doughnuts, and there are dipping sauces: raspberry, chocolate, and white chocolate.  In any other context, I’d choose the other two over raspberry, but not here.  It defies logic! 

            Walt Disney World, for me, has always been about four wildly different park experiences, a vast array of resort options, and a whole bunch of Downtown Disney (especially Earl of Sandwich, because seriously).  Now there’s also Blizzard Beach: a wet, welcome change from standard park touring, with vastly unique experiences and mini doughnuts with raspberry dipping sauce.  The possibilities never stop expanding.

(Pictures courteaously of Lee Dralle)